You Jump, I Jump Jack

Jumping. It is terrifying. Especially when you know at the bottom, you are jumping into something that can quite literally kill you if you land wrong, hit something, or know that if you can't get out fast enough the water will freeze your muscles and lead to drowning. Why do that you ask? In this case it's because I love doing things that freak me out and have a high adrenaline rush. And yes that can be a bad thing at times, I know. Sometimes in life though, that 40-foot jump off a cliff into almost below freezing water, glaciers and snow pouring into it is what gives you your life.

Making any decision that changes your life, is absolutely terrifying. Our minds are designed to stay and keep anything that is allowing us to stay alive. Even if that action we are choosing to do is unhealthy for us. Your brain just knows that that action has not killed you yet, so as of right now we are safe. What the brain doesn't know is that the change may be for the better and healthier.

In psychology and so many other things, there is the debate over the conflict between the heart and the mind. It is a debate that can be argued correctly in whichever way you choose depending on the evidence you may have for your belief. To me it is interesting how easy it is to go against the heart; however, the brain you quite literally have to go against the neurotransmitters that have developed a neural pathway in your brain. Pathways are habits. Pathways have kept you alive.

What happens when you go off that pathway and jump into the freezing cold water? You know when you hit the water it is going to quite literally take your breathe away, freeze your muscles, and you'll be downright miserable for a while. Why? For your happiness, your freedom, for finding yourself again, for being a better person to yourself so you can become a better mother. Just like in muscle growth you have to tear your muscles in order to grow. Pain comes with growth.

When I jumped and filed for divorce, I knew I would not have my kids every single day. I would not have them on all the holidays. I knew I wouldn't be able to tuck them into bed every night, and I knew another female would be tucking them into their beds on some nights. And that still hurts like a knife being stabbed into your body, but missing every vital organ and artery so you are in pain constantly for a long time. This is what took me so long to file. I did not want to be away from my kids, but I had to jump. I knew many things would appear that are unpleasant, and I still hate. A week ago, my kids went to their dads for part of the summer, and I cried myself to sleep while holding both of their blankies. I sleep with them when they are not with me. It hurts and quite honestly, I do not know if that feeling will ever go away.

But with my jump, so many amazing things have happened that I cannot even begin to describe. I have had a tribe of people step in and take care of me, take care of my kids, the universe always gives me what I need somehow or another. I have had amazing opportunities and found a calling that I never thought I would want to do, teach. Working with wonky teenagers is somehow something that I am good at and brings me so much happiness. I have been blessed with amazing friends through this and bonded with some already made. I met one of my best friends who had the audacity to leave me, cough cough, and move to Colorado. She has been my rock through fighting the biggest battle I have ever fought. She loves my kids so much and now I get to go to Colorado and jump off cliffs into freezing cold water like a crazy person. But she is one of my crazy people I do life with.

You Jump, I Jump Jack. One of my favorite episodes from one of my favorite TV shows, Gilmore Girls. Although I do not recommend jumping just because someone else is, we all have to jump in our lives. Rewiring our brain and teaching it a new neurological pathway is actually better and healthier sometimes. That fall may seem like you will never hit the bottom. When you hit the bottom your muscles may start to freeze, and you cannot breathe. The water bank may seem to get further away with every stroke you swim. When you finally get to shore you may be shivering like a crazy maniac and begin to lay in the sun like a lizard sunbathing. But after all of "that" goes away you look back and go holy shit, I just did that.

Be proud of yourself. Rather the cliff be 10 feet or 40 and feels like you're dropping into misery for forever. Don't look at the bottom, just run and jump sometimes. Coming from a person that deals with anxiety like a crazy person, this is extreme for me to say.

Peace out from the Perfectly Imperfect Queen